Ep 84: Managing Relationships with ADHD Brain featuring Kari Bates

Send us a voice message at speakpipe.com/learntothrivewithadhd

In this insightful conversation with Coach Kari Bates, we explore the unique challenges of maintaining relationships when you have ADHD, particularly with adult children. Kari shares her personal journey of reconnecting with her own adult child and offers practical strategies for overcoming the "out of sight, out of mind" phenomenon that affects so many with ADHD.

📌 Key Topics:

• The struggle of maintaining connections with people who aren't physically present
• Why ADHD brains often forget to reach out to loved ones despite deeply caring
• How to handle the guilt and shame that comes with forgotten texts and calls
• Building consistent routines to stay connected with adult children
• Accepting your ADHD brain while continuously working to improve
• The importance of dropping defensiveness when adult children express hurt

🗣️ Featured Quote: "It's never going to be a thing that you solve and done and it's never a problem for you forever. It's one of those things that you keep working at, you keep coming back to it when you need to come back to it."

💡 Strategy Breakdown:

• Respond to thoughts of connection immediately rather than putting them off
• Create a dedicated list of important people to reach out to regularly
• Establish regular connection points like weekly family Zoom calls
• Use simple, low-pressure ways to connect (GIFs, photos, quick texts)
• Let go of perfectionism and focus on consistent effort

🎯 Coming Up Next: Join us for more ADHD-friendly relationship insights and practical strategies to help you thrive in all areas of life.

🔑 Key Takeaway: Your relationships matter deeply, even when your ADHD brain makes consistent connection challenging. With acceptance, tools, and continued effort, you can maintain meaningful relationships with the people who matter most.

Connect with Mande:  

Learn more about private coaching: https://learntothrivewithadhd.com/services/

Free Resources: https://learntothrivewithadhd.com/freeresources/ 

Website: https://www.learntothrivewithadhd.com/ 

LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/learntothrivewithadhd 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/learntothrivewithadhd/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/learntothrivewithadhd/

#adhd #adhdrelationships #adhdparenting #adultchildren #adhdcommunity #adhdstrategies #outofmindoutofheart #parentingadults #relationships #adhdsupport

Click here for full show notes.

CLICK HERE for more resources. We're on this journey together!

Transcript

All right welcome back guys today. I have Coach Carrie Bates with me and we have met like many of my guests through the coach coach group that were a part of him so that’s a very valuable group to me. I am very grateful for that opportunity to get coached by these wonderful people that carries niche we just go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us how so I am. I got into coaching because my oldest child when she left home when she graduated high school it was a big big big falling out and we were a stranger. We just had a really really it was a really difficult time for for her and for us and And it really just kind of shook my whole world because like you know my whole life being a mother, and that was what I wanted to do was important to me and then I have this child just like gone and like the failure, and the guilt and all of that kind of stuff was so so hard and so then I found a coach and she I mean, you know She changed my life and helped us to figure out. Help me to figure it all out and to let go of a lot a lot of guilt and take responsibility for what I have done well and for what I have done wrong and they got me into a place that I could reestablish that relationship with my oldest child and it took some time, but she changed my life so much that I was like. OK well I’m gonna go become a counselor right because life coaching is a real thing to become a counselor and I got done with my undergraduate work. I finish my bachelors degree in relationships in 2020 And then I was just coaching school or counseling. Counselor helped me and coaching from there and it’s just a lot of fun. I really love that the perspective of like coming from a place of wellness and wholeness and building on rather than like I mean, you do work with your past and all that kind of stuff but it seems like The counselor that I went to were really into digging up everything in the past and reliving it over and over and over again and it just got to deal with all of that. I need to move forward about your story, but I have the exact same point where it was like go for high education and I was looking at marriage and family counseling as well as I was also looking at psychology. I was also looking at entrepreneurship and then I dismiss that immediately that’s ridiculous. I’m gonna go to school to be an entrepreneur. I can just be an entrepreneur Just go through the school of life, but it was that same point like school or coaching certification and I think I was very blessed to have this great school like no no shade on the school whatsoever this great school to call my ADHD brain transcripts from all the colleges I went to and they could not figure it out they could not This semester was starting and I’m like you guys have figured out. I’m not going to take classes. I don’t have to take. Can you get my transcripts done and they just could not be lost they kept the next person and I really think it was just like the universe telling me like that’s not the way I was like all right they can’t get it together I can’t get started. I’m gonna go this direction with coaching so glad I did because I found my purpose with that so that’s huge. Tell us about your coaching niche right so mothers and father relationship with their adult children because I mean, it’s just a whole different. It’s just a whole different relationship once your kids move out and you don’t have the same obligation have the same day-to-day responsibilities and there’s there’s a big movement right now. It seems that we are our just cutting off contact with their parents right and that’s a big thing and then You know things that you know you don’t even seem interested in changing or being sorry for it so I just have to set a boundary and cut you out of my life because still damaging to me and parents are not understanding that because I didn’t have the option at least right but it seems like that’s a big big thing that a lot of kids adult children Are really limiting or contact with their parents and don’t understand why what’s going on you know even if they’re not, but it’s just challenging relate to these people that you raised as you know full adults with their own lives in their own interest that’s what I work with is just reading more connection with with your adult children and the way I related to my audience here with my ADHD just talking personally and looking at my friends with ADHD as well. This out of sight out of mind. This is now not now brain that we have it does not matter how much you love those people and I think of that was like my oldest like such an independent person and I’m so proud of him for that, but if I don’t reach out, we can go weeks without any contact and I will think about him and say oh I should I should reach out and then I’ll forget and I’ll go on with my day and I don’t think I should reach out and then I look at my phone and oh my gosh it’s been since last month Then there’s a shame that you wanna go into like what’s wrong with me like do I not care that’s so ridiculous but it’s the same with friends and I know those with ADHD like completely relate to this that you know you don’t text that person back immediately and now it’s been too long and now what do I do now it’s awkward you know and I think almost every consultation I’ve ever had when we when it comes up about like contacting people or returning phone calls or there’s always like some shame around that. How do you handle that with people that you worked with? It’s just really funny Because when we were talking about this, I was just talking to a friend about ADHD for long period of time and I thought and say hi cause I have a real thing and it’s challenging because it’s one of those things that you have to try a lot of different things right and I think the biggest key on it is recognizing that you never give up like this this is probably not going to be a challenge right it’s never gonna be a thing that you solved and done and it’s never a problem for you forever. It’s one of those things that that you keep giving yourself you keep working at it you keep coming back to it when you need to come back to it because Because I mean other than getting a new brain, I don’t know at least I haven’t called it yet that I have to, but he said or at least look at it and see what is the gut telling me just reminding you to get back in touch with your kid then OK thank you let’s let’s do that. I read a book or I don’t Know if it was book or a podcast I was listening to you or something like that, but it said that when you I wish I could always reference these things, but it said when you have a negative emotion often times it’s that you’re going against your values and my values of course is to be close to my children like I want that. Am I always successful that I don’t know like you’ll have to ask them, but I want that for sure and so I can look at that guilt and go OK you’re just going against the value of the type of mother that you want to be or the type of friend that you want to be because I do this to my friends too and the ones that are amazing or the ones that like after two months or like Hey how are you? No guilt trip you know no resentment. None of that and I read an article where the guy was talking about this with friendships and he talked about how he was considered a bad friend and how he gotten feedback that you know if he cared, he could reach out and things like that and I guess I’m just grateful for independent friends and at the same time like am I damaging those relationships but one thing I had to go to was in my planner I actually would make a list I need to get back to this and I was telling Carrie before the recording, I’m gonna create a page in the planner working on ADHD planner, but I’m gonna create a page that one of the sections is important people Going to put my kid that’s out of the house. I’m going to put my friends that I deeply care about that I don’t reach out to you. I’m gonna put my siblings on there like I know that sounds ridiculous and I know my siblings are probably like a little hurt, but I don’t reach out more than I do, but I’m not about them it’s just about me and like what’s happening in my brain so it looks like you had a thought. I think it sounds kind of. I don’t know. I don’t wanna be on a list or whatever but it’s so important because it just is putting it on a list helps you to that relationship with that person then it’s the most important thing. It’s like the most important relationship is an important person in my life and I love this person and I want to stay connected to this person You have to do what works for you. You have to do what reminds you not like that but I need a list or I need you know whatever whatever it is you can fix your brain. I wish we could fix our list made the list not a super long list but that doesn’t really scroll on social media and even if you do these days you don’t really see the people that matter to you and checking your messages when you haven’t reached out for a while of course they haven’t reached out like that’s just to be expected. You’re not at the top of their text messages either and so just I personally it’s funny cause I’m always working with clients about putting things on their calendar and making a list of things they’re like should I have to put on there like to take a shower or to wash my face or should I have to put that on the calendar and I’m like will you do it if you don’t But it seems weird and I’m like I know but I do it on my calendar and I’m like get dressed like that don’t do a calendar check out just put it on a list. Do what works for you just start where you’re at, but I guess the main point being if you feel ridiculous about doing something I had another client that we were starting a morning routine and I said OK how can we make sure that you see this morning routine every day she said well I can put it on a post and put it in my bathroom. I’m great. Let’s do that. My kids gonna make fun of me And they did they commented. I don’t think they made fun of her but they comment they like you have to put those things on the mirror and she said absolutely I do. I don’t know she worked it that way, but because I’m not mean but a lot of it for me just accepting OK. This is the brain of this and not being mad at myself constantly over those things this morning I woke up and I thought this was supposed to be on Wednesday and I was like oh crap it supposed to be today I’m like OK well, I can sit here and be frustrated with myself and angry with myself that I forgot this or that you know that I’m not as prepared as I’d like to be or I can just be like I know what I’m talking about. I can sit down and do this and it’s not gonna be a big deal I mean, it’s probably not gonna be perfectly polished because of what I do is as polished. I would like it to be but at the same time the part of me wants to make everything perfect is a part of me that keeps me from doing anything it keeps me and we layer all of those extra emotions on top of this is how my brain works. I’m not gonna feel guilty about it. I’m not gonna feel stupid about it. I’m not gonna be frustrated with myself. I’m just gonna work with the brain that I have and that’s when I function. The best is when I can just accept it and be like OK let’s go ask the audience right now and see if you want us to be perfect. I’m sure how many of you want to show the way we are because I think when we accept ourselves the way we are then other people feel more accepted the way they are. I know coaching going to coaching certification really helped me to start to learn to love myself start to learn to accept more things. You know that are just me and then I noticed how it would spread out to other people Where I think before I was going well gosh they shouldn’t do that. They should do this and now I’m just kind of like they’ve got their reasons. I’m sure they have perfectly good reasons just like I have reasons but I do the things that I do and oh well like I just love what we’ve learned about like it’s not black. It’s not white there’s like all this gray For other people and just trying to figure it out. I don’t know a lot of see what other people do well and I don’t see what they struggle with or can be true to where I just see what they struggle with and I don’t see what they do well and that’s just passing judgment. That’s not anything to do with them. That’s just you know, but it keeps us from interacting with that person on a real basis. I noticed I think this was part of coaching. I would notice like if I was getting kind of like a grumpy rant about somebody I was able to catch myself and I was my husband as the person that like my go to person I talk to and I would catch myself myself and I would go. You know what this is about me. It’s not about them. I’m just feeling bad about myself myself because of this And I’m I’m pointing out all this stuff just to make myself feel better and I was able to just like stop just wonderful, but I wanna get into some tactics that we could talk about like the ADHD in permanent as far as like if the people are not around I actually wanna bring up if you guys have not read red let them by Mel Robbins. There is a great section in there about adult friendships and you can think of it like adult children as well because they go off and they go to college or they go when they start living their own lives on their own and what she’s talking about and there’s really normalize the fact that when we’re in school or when we’re in our workplace or you know somewhere where people are brought together continually and it’s easy to maintain friendships and there’s actually like a psychologist or something who talked about this study where And I could be totally butchering this, but this is the general idea that we have to spend amount of hours with someone to develop a friendship or maintain a friendship and when we go off and move to another town or to a different period of our life or change jobs or we’re no longer in school then we’re no longer spending that amount of hours with those people so no wonder we like lose that friendship and she also normalize the fact that their stages with friendships and you know you might’ve been close with somebody at this period in your life. I think when my children were little there were friends there was one in particular who no longer lives here, but I would spend Time with that person as much as possible and our two little boys were the same age my oldest son they were the same age and it was so easy to maintain that friendship and then I haven’t spoken to that person for years and years, maybe 20 years and you could beat yourself or you could just go that shifted that changed on you moved on of course we don’t do that with our children right so what do you work with people for these people that we want to absolutely maintain these relationships with with that friendship it was just like well it served its time and that might be a person that if you talk to them 20 years later, then you just pick up where you left off but if not, that’s OK but what about these people? I love what you’re saying about. We just have to keep trying. That’s so much of my coaching is like OK that didn’t work. Let’s reiterate let’s try again. Let’s you know what what do we need to do but what are the what are the tools that you help people with? Haven’t worked with ADHD and adult children but just this issue in my life starting point always when you think about it instead of like beating yourself up instead of being like so long or they’re gonna think or I’m a bad mom cause you know the guilt on it just like I mean that’s gonna come up right just recognize it just like OK that’s not all that does is make me push it off. Guilt energy is never a good energy. You can just move forward with. I’m talking to clients and they’re like well I’m scared but like it’s been so long that they’re gonna be upset with me or something right you can just move forward and take that fear with you and just do it anyway like saying right when you think about it I mean, how would I express it but I said that I would like think about contacting my child and then I would know so yeah I’m gonna do that and move on with my day and I think about it and then move on with my day and if I just did it when I thought about it, gonna be something that I’m going to take away from this and start implementing like when I think about my friends when I think about my son when I think about my family member is just immediately sending just a little something 👍 like even if it’s a funny gift like something yeah I love the idea of like when we’re sending back-and-forth like it’s such a silly thing, but my my son You know I mean that little point of connection are you know that but if you so often we do the thing like I said they’re gonna think and then we think OK well I have to make it. I have to do this big apology. Have to make a big deal that I’m reaching out to them or whatever else it just pushes it further in our brain it’s gonna be more work. It’s gonna be more like more effort just when you think about it, just do it. I have a friend that would only send me reels on Instagram and because I wanted more connection with this friend who would like moved away and I care about very much like you have to stop sending me reels, but I was trying to say you need to talk to me and of course I get less contact now but and then I am also looking at that like maybe I should’ve said that maybe that was her way the easiest way for her to reach out and however, she wants to do it should’ve been fine, but I was just feeling like oh you’re not talking to me About the penguin pebbling thing but she also sent me just this beautiful camera roll. Download of what’s been going on in her life I’m not smart. It’s such a smart idea. I was able to look through all the pictures and see every aspect of life and her kids life and that’s been really fun and actually has a reconnection. There’s a text right now I need to watch a video and so that’s that’s fine. However it works for people like don’t make a mistake I made and be like I expressed that differently in different ways. Well, I have one friend that we just send each other all the time and you know sometimes just like ha ha move on or whatever but sometimes it’s like our ADHD something like let’s explore a lot of times that you know that’ll be what happens. I’ll send something then and then it might be you know Talk to each other. I think the most important things here are you know normalize however you need to remember these people in your life let go of the guilt or the you know fear of rejection or the big emotions if you haven’t contacted them for a while and just reach out life is too short could happen any day and I think that that text from you rather than that silence, if heaven forbid something happened to you would be so much more valuable, but we don’t have we touched on the guilt however we need to remember it. The acceptance of our brain works one of the things that you can build into your routine if you can find a way to because a couple things like for the last I don’t know I wanna say seven or eight years. We’ve done a weekly Sunday night meeting and that’s just like on a zoom call because they’re all in different places of the country. We do a zoom call and everybody makes it every week but almost every week we have somebody on that talk back-and-forth you know and that’s been really valuable because it is just like it’s a staple in our week Same time I mean routine especially with boring or whatever. Oh yeah when things get routine for sure to change it all up so sometimes it’ll be whatever but then just doing it every week then you know there’s some really fun ones and there’s some really boring ones and that’s OK right but it’s always the same thing. There’s a possibility that my oldest is going to move away and so I might implement this. It would be a great idea get everybody in the room, talking perspective, computers, and everything like I would love to have Sunday night dinner and have everybody over at my house in our situation where you have a daughter in New York daughter in Boise in Arizona, Arizona in Utah I never did say that right like I have six kids here and they’re all over the place but they know that I’ll be there if they if they haven’t had a contact with me in a while or whatever at least they know that I’ll be there. I don’t know the Sunday call. I don’t got a great idea, but you can have that one spot where they can depend on relationships are such a huge part of our lives right that makes meaningful relationship with other people. Yes relationships are incredibly important and I feel like those of us with ADHD that often be the first thing to go, especially for struggling, especially the relationships that are outside of our immediate home if we’re struggling and we’re overwhelmed by you know work tasks or projects or just life then we can have this tendency to just have a spotlight on what’s right in front of us and we kind of have that spotlight anyway with the way our brains work we know if there’s something that’s you know even though these relationships are a great importance if there’s something that’s like in front of us that is what we’re focused on And finding ways with this this conversation that we had today whatever it might be those of you are watching on YouTube if you can say in the comments like how with your ADHD brand new keep relationships going. I would love to hear that or if you struggle tell us because I struggle and it’s something that I’m continuing to work on I don’t have everything figured out, but I do have tools that that are working in that like was saying earlier in the call we just have to keep trying and we have to keep reiterating or maybe recommitting of life you know just be understanding you’re not you’re probably not in this life. Get to a point where it’s perfect like it doesn’t so the point is to the point is to keep going and figuring things out little by little as we go that might be something with clients and sound a little weird to people but so if they’re having this problem that you know maybe they don’t see a way out of or maybe like they are just continuing to struggle with it or whatever would I like to say is what if this never changes then what are you going to do and the reason that triggered in my brain is because the answer is I’m just gonna keep trying and like what if you have to try for the rest of your life and the reason I say that is, I wanna set them up for the expectation of this may never get better, so how are you going to gain some acceptance For yourself and for the situation and empower yourself to make small changes that you can make because otherwise they’re completely disempowered and they just feel like this thing is happening to them and there’s nothing they can do you know that’s very disempowering to not even try so yeah I think that is just keep trying and the message to those that may not have ADHD maybe like that you know, children of or parents of or spouses of our partners of whatever it might be like friends of your ADHD person in your life loves you very much Absolutely their actions are not reflecting their emotions if you search on the Internet for just a second if you go on any ADHD like TikTok or Instagram or whatever it might be you’re going to see somebody on there saying I care so much I care so much and that’s usually like this comment of like something their friends said to them or something like that and it’s like no but I really do care and so that’s why I thought this was such an important message and going into like what you work with with adult children that’s just cause I hit home for me because I’m sure my adult child doesn’t listen to this podcast at all, but if he does, I do care very much Especially as you were talking about. I’m thinking your kids don’t want perfection from what they want is effort they want they want to know that they’re important to you and they want to know that you are continuing to try to be better to try to see your witnesses try to improve them and you know those kids they will accept that this is just who you are and how you work right I’m kind of fortunate that way I guess because all my kids are there. I don’t know. We’re just a big disaster, but that is the thing right like that that is the thing and not just kind of giving up and saying OK well that reminds me if you listen to this for very long you know that I love Byron Katie’s work it’s a little out there, but it’s so valuable, but I love she was kind of a rough mom there for a period of her life and I think we all have made our mistakes right we all have. It’s funny when I have clients that are like worried that they’re going to screw it up somehow as a mom, I’m like oh no, definitely you are 100% by virtue of like you thinking this way because of the way you were thinking this way now it just might be a simple as that but Katie what she did with her adult children is when they would come to her and say you did this wrong she would be like oh I’m so sorry. She would have no ego about it or whatever like I’m so sorry I made you feel that way and genuinely mean it and I kinda look forward to that day honestly like I’m ready. I think my kids are really polite Very much but you know I hear it from like the teenagers now and I don’t know that I always respond that way immediately cause we’re human but I do think of it as though like that is their perception of the situation so it makes me think of your kids like that is their perception of the situation and they’re in pain otherwise they wouldn’t that 100% Goes back to what we were talking about just like not because we get defensive about it right and as soon as defensive, then we’re not you know we’re not listening to what they say and it hurt them and if we just like the most changing thing I ever learned was that I could be a good time because because I knew that there were things that I did and so you know that that may need a bad mom, but a lot of times I would not recognize that I could still have big qualities so I think a lot of our kids come to us and say you know you did this wrong then we’re just like that they know good things but they need you to hear the things that hurt them. I think I’ve already gotten a little bit of feedback like I said the other two and in my mind, I’m like, yeah yeah There’s no way to be perfect. They might need something. It’s just a I heard from Jodi Moore that I remember where I was I was in Arizona. I don’t even know why I was over there. I can’t even think of why, but it was in my car and I was driving down these side streets and she’s like I’m a good and a bad mom Had the story of like I’m a bad like I kept going back. I’m a terrible mom. I’m a bad mom I’m doing this wrong. I wasn’t seeing anything. I was doing right. I was only seeing what I was doing wrong and when she said I’m a good and a bad mom. I’m like oh that’s the other side of it like we were talking about before I was like OK when they come to you and they say there’s already so much self judgment as a parent that Immediately defensive right immediately to prove OK well that was good and that it makes sense. It’s a totally natural human reaction, but but you’re not hearing me. You know this hurt me and you don’t care that this hurt me these things that’s true in any relationship. I am working with a client now we’re talking a lot about like how to fight right in a relationship with your spouse example and I remember when my husband and I would get into arguments that just seemed like they just seem ridiculous. It was defense. I’m kind of proud of that because it made a huge difference, but I recognized it first and I was able to express like do you notice that when I get defensive escalate the argument or when you get defensive it escalates the argument like what if we just dropped the defenses just dropped that completely and then we didn’t have to answer back to defend ourselves if we just listened and it sounds so simple but it’s everything and we can do that with everything. Yeah it’s 100% you know I think you’re just telling yourself OK I did this wrong and that doesn’t invalidate me as a person right like that doesn’t mean that you know that I’m a worthless person because I did something wrong and that’s the simplest idea. It is so huge Because we in our kids right we see that in our friends or whoever and other people were like you know I love this person but I also see that they have these flaws and I still love them but we can do that ourselves and we can stop being defensive. OK well gonna try harder. I’m not try harder but I’m gonna keep trying. That’s a beautiful place to end that came up so many times I love that. Just a great theme for everything.