Ep 106: Practical Tools to Reclaim Your Self-Esteem with ADHD

Send us a voice message at speakpipe.com/learntothrivewithadhd

Do you constantly feel like you're not measuring up? Like no matter how hard you try, it's never enough? If you have ADHD, chances are you've felt the sting of low self-esteem – that persistent sense that you're somehow broken or flawed.

But here's the truth: low self-esteem isn't part of your personality. It's a story you've been told about yourself. And if you have ADHD, that story has probably been wrong your whole life.

In this episode, we dive deep into the connection between ADHD and self-esteem, exploring why adults with ADHD consistently report lower self-esteem than the general population – and more importantly, what you can actually do about it.

What You'll Learn:

• Why being undiagnosed can actually hurt your self-esteem more than being diagnosed
• How your diagnosis can be the key to rebuilding self-esteem (not a limitation)
• The difference between guilt ("I did something bad") and shame ("I am bad")
• Why the "shame cycle" keeps so many ADHD adults stuck
• The incredible strengths that come with ADHD (that you're probably ignoring)

Practical Tools You Can Use Today:

• Cognitive reframing: The "Or I could be thinking..." technique that works in under 60 seconds
• Identity shifting: "I'm learning to become a person who..."
• Self-compassion practices that actually increase your energy
• Radical acceptance techniques
• Action-based self-esteem building strategies

Personal Stories: I share my own journey of carrying shame about my education until my ADHD diagnosis at 42, plus real client breakthroughs that show how changing your self-worth story changes everything.

The Big Shift: You don't have to fix your ADHD before you can feel good about yourself. It actually works the other way around. The more compassion you give yourself, the more energy and clarity you have to manage your ADHD.

Your brain may not always behave the way you want, but it has so many beautiful strengths. What's the story you've been telling about who you are? And what's another story that's also true, but better?

Connect with me: Leave a voice message with your questions, challenges, or wins at speakpipe.com/learntothrivewithADHD

Remember: You're not broken. You're just telling yourself the wrong story.

Click here for full show notes

CLICK HERE for more resources. We're on this journey together!

Transcript

Low self-esteem isn't part of your personality. It's a story you've been told about yourself. And if you have ADHD, that story has probably been wrong your whole life. If you live with ADHD, chances are you've felt the sting of low self-esteem. That sense of not measuring up no matter how hard you try. But self-esteem isn't about being perfect.

It's about the story you tell about yourself. What if changing your self-esteem was less about fixing yourself and more about changing that story? Research shows that adults with ADHD consistently report lower self-esteem than the general population. The more severe the symptoms, the lower the self-esteem tends to be.

And here's something interesting. Being undiagnosed can actually hurt more than being diagnosed.

Because when you don't have an explanation, every mistake feels like a personal failing.

Think about that. Your diagnosis isn't a label that limits you, and might actually be the key to rebuilding your self-esteem. A diagnosis helps separate you from your symptoms. You can finally see this isn't who I am. This is ADHD. All ADHD types are at risk for low self-esteem,

But the inattentive types seem to carry a greater risk. And low self-esteem doesn't just feel bad. It's linked to depression, anxiety, lower quality of life, and struggles at work and in relationships.

I've seen this with clients. When they finally get their diagnosis, suddenly their past mistakes and perceived failures make sense.

They can stop carrying shame. Because now they know there's been an answer all along.

Imagine if every failure you thought was your fault wasn't actually about you at all. How would that change the way you see yourself? The first thing I work on with clients around self-esteem is the story they're telling about themselves. That story is almost never true. It's focused on the negatives and ignores all the positives about who they are.

And sometimes that negative voice in our head isn't even our own. It's a voice of a caregiver, sibling, a teacher, or a friend.

When you finally recognize that, you can separate it from who you really are. Perfectionism adds to the problem.

Bernie Brown reminds us that perfectionism isn't about striving for excellence.

It's fear of shame, and it keeps us stuck, constantly seeking approval.

Experts in ADHD talk about something very similar.

The shame cycle.

Over time, ADHD adults often internalize a pattern of chronic underachievement, and that, with constant criticism can equals shame.

And shame feels different from guilt. Guilt says I did something bad. Shame says I am bad.

That hidden weight can follow you into every area of your life. Making it hard to believe you're ever enough. Society adds to the pressure to Christian ness. Research shows us that our culture pushes us to compare ourselves to everyone else.

And comparison always ends with not good enough.

Louise Hay takes it further. She says our limiting beliefs start with childhood shoulds. I should be more disciplined. I should work harder. I shouldn't complain, and every should reinforces the message I am not enough. I felt this personally for a long time. I believed I had biffed my education. I went to so many schools and rarely had the interest or the stamina to finish classes.

I carried a lot of shame about that, until I finally realized that those were simply educational opportunities. They didn't mean anything about who I was, and I was doing the best I could with the circumstances at the time. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until 42, and when I finally got that confirmation, I felt both relief and regret.

Relief because I'd explained so much, and then regret because I could have sought support sooner and saved myself a lot of pain. But at some point I made a decision. This is part of who I am. There's so much good in it. What if, instead of asking what's wrong with me, you could start asking what's right with me?

Because here's the thing. ADHD doesn't just bring challenges. It also comes with incredible strengths.

Creativity, resilience. Big picture thinking, a sense of humor,

and the ability to make connections others might miss.

When you only measure yourself by what you didn't do, the missed deadlines, the forgotten details,

You erase all the things that you bring to the table. That are just as real and just as valuable.

So how do you rebuild self-esteem when ADHD has chipped away at it for years?

00:03:57:20 - 00:04:09:02

Unknown

Stick with me, because these tools I'm about to share can start shifting your self-esteem in less than 60s. One of the fastest tools I teach is cognitive reframing. I call it, or I could be thinking,

when you catch a negative thought. Ask yourself, what else could I be thinking? That is true, but better than this. That starts by saying, or I could be thinking and finishing the sentence.

repeat that process a few times, and often you'll feel relief in less than 60s. Another reframe I love is this instead of saying I'm terrible at this, try saying I'm learning to be a person who.

Or I'm becoming someone who. That small shift changes everything. Self-compassion is another pillar. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who's struggling. Acknowledge the pain. Respond kindly and remind yourself that you're not alone.

I've had clients who finally gave themselves permission to honor their energy levels.

they realized they could only do as much as one human being can do in a day, and that self-compassion freed them from impossible standards. Radical acceptance is another practice that changes the game.

It's about not fighting your flaws or your pain.

It's choosing to accept them as part of being a human being.

For me, it shows up in something simple. I have friends who come over and I don't clean the house for them.

That feels so relaxed and authentic. And it reminds me that being myself is enough.

Taking action is key. Every time you take a small step, you show yourself what you can accomplish. Action builds pride.

I had a client who used to procrastinate constantly. She was always running behind and filled with anxiety. But when she reframed her self-worth and realized that she was worth the piece of being done early, everything shifted. She started finishing tasks ahead of time, and her whole sense of calm and confidence grew.

Do you see the shift? It wasn't just about

time management.

It was about deciding she was worth the piece. Gratitude and affirmations helped, too. I often recommend clients tie gratitude to a daily routine like brushing their teeth or making coffee.

Find something you're thankful for in that moment. And affirmations really work to say to yourself in the mirror, I approve of myself, I am worthy. I'm learning to love my brain. Because here's the truth procrastination. Miss deadlines, forgetfulness, and even rejection sensitivity. They can eat away at self-esteem, but none of those things define who you are. Procrastination changes when you realize your worth being done early.

Your worth being relaxed. Your peace matters. So here's the big takeaway. You don't have to fix your ADHD before you can feel good about yourself. It works the other way around. The more compassion you give yourself, the more energy and clarity you have to manage your ADHD.

Your brain may not always behave the way you want, but it has so many beautiful strengths.

So I'll leave you with this question. What's the story you've been telling about who you are and what's another story? That's also true, but better.

And if you want to start with something tangible to practice, here's a quick action menu. Try one reframe today. Or I could be thinking and finish that sentence. Use one self-compassion phrase when you make a mistake. I'm learning to become a person who and when. Gratitude. Check in with a daily habit like brushing your teeth or pouring coffee.

Action leads to change. Self-esteem is loving every part of yourself. The good and the bad. It's not about being perfect. It's remembering that you are perfect as you are and you can continue to grow. And before we wrap up, I would love to hear from you.

I've set up a speak pipe page where you can leave me a voice message with your questions or your challenges and even your wins. I may feature some of them on future episodes so that we can keep this conversation going together. The link is quotes speak pipe.com forward slash. Learn to thrive with ADHD.

If you're on the go, no worries. You can find that in the show notes. Thank you for spending your precious time with me. And I will see you guys next week.