Ep 119: Standards, Not Shame: The ADHD Way to Reach Your Potential

Are you exhausted from the cycle of setting a standard, missing it once, and labeling yourself a failure? Do you push harder in unsustainable ways or quit completely when shame shows up? What if the problem isn't that you lack discipline - it's that your ADHD brain turns every standard into an all-or-nothing trap?

In this episode of Learn to Thrive with ADHD, Coach Mande John breaks down why traditional standards don't work for ADHD brains — and what to do instead. She shares how to build flexible, sustainable standards that guide you instead of judging you.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why ADHD turns standards into all-or-nothing thinking (and how to stop it)
• The critical difference between values (your deeper why) and standards (your measurable actions)
• How to know your standards are being violated: when you get upset or angry
• Why measurable standards matter: if your brain can't track it, you'll feel like you're failing even when you're trying
• The all-or-nothing trap: when one miss becomes "I failed completely"
• How shame shows up and makes you either push harder unsustainably or disconnect and quit
• Building flexible standards with minimum, target, and maximum ranges for different capacity weeks
• Why minimum isn't "I'll try" — it's a specific floor you can hit even on hard weeks
• The review → revise → recommit cycle for getting back on track without shame
• The one rule that keeps you engaged: every minute is a restart (no waiting for Monday)
• How comparison sabotages your standards (what you see vs. what is)
• Reality check questions: Do I have time? Support? Is this a minimum, normal, or maximum season?
• Why celebrating progress isn't fluff — it's how you build momentum and evidence that your effort matters
• Redefining wins: starting, doing the minimum, finishing one piece, coming back after you drift

Mande shares real examples including her 30-minute daily cleaning standard that isn't perfect but is consistent, and how people at her gym simply see working out as "who they are" — not something they force. She explains why rigid standards make you more likely to quit, while flexible standards make you more likely to continue.

Key Takeaway: Standards are guideposts, not judgments. They help you stay pointed where you want to go. One miss is data — information about what got in the way (sleep, stress, overwhelm, planning, emotions, capacity). Use it to adjust, not to judge yourself. The skill you're building isn't "never drift" — it's "notice and correct." The win is how fast you come back.

Resources Mentioned:

• Episode on "Your Perfect Week" (referenced)
• Weekly ADHD Newsletter: learntothrivewithadhd.com/weekly
• Instagram: @learntothrivewithadhd

Connect with Mande: 

Learn more about private coaching with Mande: https://learntothrivewithadhd.com/services/ 

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Transcript

Welcome to Learn to Thrive with ADHD. This is the podcast for adults with ADHD or ADHD like symptoms. I'm your host coach, Maddie John. I'm here to make your life with ADHD easier. Let's get started. What if the problem isn't that you don't have discipline? It's that your standards are built like a light switch on or off. Because that's what I see a lot with ADHD.

We set a standard or more simply said, something we want to do or change, and we miss it once. And our brain labels the whole thing a failure. And I really wanted to talk about standards this week because it's just something that's been on my mind. I watch people at, I'm a multiple business owner, and so I also own a gym.

I watch people at the gym that come and work out every day. You know, maybe not every single day, but Monday through Friday. And they just do it regularly. And there's a few of them that I've spoken to and I've said, hey, you know, like what makes you come in day after day and do the work? And they have shared with me the ones that I've talked to, that it's simply a standard for them.

It is what it is. It is what they have decided is who they want to be and who they are. And it makes them feel good. And so I wanted to apply that to a lot of things that we're having challenges with. And so you're going to hear me talking about standards throughout this episode a lot. And oftentimes when we we have them, whether we realize it or not, we have certain standards.

And when we're not meeting those standards, that's when shame shows up. And so we're going to talk about that right now. When shame shows up, we either push harder in a way that isn't sustainable or we quit completely. I think that there's a bridge here between the potential that we know we have and where we are now, and how do we sustain that?

How do we sustain getting over that bridge? Before you set standards, you need to separate values from standards because they're not the same thing. Your values are your deeper why they're what matters to you. Things like health, peace, connection, integrity, freedom. Being present. Stability. Your standards are the how. They're the actions you can take. And actually measure. They're the behaviors that prove your values in real life.

I read once and it so resonated with me the idea that we know our standards are being violated when we get upset or angry about something. A great example is that someone should do this or that when this comes up with clients, always when I dig deeper, it's always that the person shouldn't have done what they did because that client wouldn't have done that.

Depending on the situation. And here's why all of this matters to you. If something isn't measurable, your brain can't track it. And when your brain can't track it, you'll feel like you're failing even when you are trying. So instead of saying, I want to be healthier, you pick a standard you can point to, for example, a protein at breakfast.

I move my body three times a week. I'm in bed by 11. That's a standard. You either did it or you didn't. And if you didn't, you'll learn something. Don't shame yourself. It's important that your standards match your actual life, not the life you wish you had. Not the version of you that you're trying to prove. Your real schedule.

Your real energy. Your real season. Because when your standard is too big or too rigid, it sets you up for disappointment. I don't want to call it failure, because as long as we're learning, we're winning no matter what. When you fall short of the standards you set up for yourself, you'll hear the same old story in your head.

See, you can't actually do anything consistently. That's not true. It's just a mismatch. So the goal here isn't to lower your standards. It's to two standards you can actually keep. So you can build evidence that you show up for yourself. Now even when you set a good standard ADHD can still turn it into all or nothing. When miss becomes I failed.

So next I want to talk about that pattern and how to stop one mistake from turning into a full stop. Here's one thing that I've set up for myself. I'm pretty proud of my consistency in cleaning my house for 30 minutes a day. I have a clear understanding of what activities happen in that time, which makes it easier.

Do I do every one of those activities every day? Nope. But I do what I can, depending on the day or my capacity. Do I do at the same time every day? No. Again. But it does have a spot on my calendar that is planned and I move it if necessary. Notice it's not perfect. It's not do as I planned or forget it.

I'm careful not to slip into this all or nothing thinking with this activity. Now let's talk about the all or nothing trap, because this is where standards fall apart for you and for me and for everyone. You set a standard. You're doing it. It feels good. And then you miss it once. Maybe you didn't work out. You slept through your alarm.

You order food instead of cooking. You avoid email, you don't follow the plan, and your brain doesn't treat that like a normal human moment. Your brain treats it like a conclude when it goes. There it is. I knew it. I can't stick with anything. And then the shame shows up. And once shame shows up, you usually do one of two things.

You push harder in a way that isn't sustainable, or you disconnect and quit. So here's the picture I want you to hold. Your standards are like a steering wheel. They help you stay pointed where you want to go. But the second you drift a little, all or nothing says, well, I'm off course, I might as well let go of the wheel.

And that's when one mistake turns into a weak one. Not perfect meal turns into. Forget it. I'll start over Monday. One avoided task turns into a pile that you don't want to look at. That's not laziness. That's your brain trying to protect you from feeling bad. So the skill you're building is not never drift. The skill is notice and correct because drifting is normal.

The win is how fast you come back. So instead of asking yourself, did I fail, I like to ask what is my next right step? Not the perfect step, not the full reset, the next one. And if you need a rule to keep you from disappearing when you miss, use this. Every minute is restart. No waiting for Monday.

You missed today. Okay. How can you shake it off and get back on track ASAP? One miss is data. It's information. It's something that got in the way. Sleep. Stress. Overwhelm. Planning. Emotions, capacity. So you don't use it to judge yourself. You use it to adjust. And this is where people worry. If I'm giving myself flexibility, I'll let myself off the hook.

No flexibility isn't letting yourself off the hook. Flexibility is how you stay engaged. Rigid standards make you more likely to quit. Flexible standards make you more likely to continue. I realize I'm saying you a lot in effort to speak to you directly, but this is me. This is everyone with ADHD. So next I want to show you how to build flexible standards on purpose, using minimums and maximums and context so you can keep your hands on the wheel even on the messy weeks.

All right. This is how you make standards work with your real life. You stop making one standard that only works on your best week, because if your standard only works when you're well-rested, motivated, and everything is calm. It's not a standard. It's a perfect week plan, and you don't live in perfect weeks. I do have an episode where I talk about your perfect week, and that helped me and many of my clients tremendously.

But it's a plan, an aim, a map. And with that you will have more good days and weeks. So back to standards. I want you to build standards with a range, a minimum, a target, a maximum. Your minimum is what you do on a hard week. Your target is what you do on a normal week, and your maximum is what you do on a high capacity week.

And this is important. Minimum is not I'll try. Minimum is specific. It's a floor that you can hit even when you're tired, overwhelmed, or life is messy. Here are a few examples so you can feel it. If your value is health and your standard is movement, minimum would be ten minutes of movement. Target three workouts a week, maximum five workouts or an extra long session.

If your value is getting things handled and your standard is productivity. Minimum ten minutes to start a task, target one focused work block maximum two blocks or finishing the whole thing. If your value as a common home, minimum trash out and a five minute reset target 15 minutes a day of cleaning, maximum a deeper clean. Now here's what I want you to remember.

Minimum protects momentum. Minimum is how you avoid the shame spiral that tells you small steps don't count. Small steps count. Small steps are how you stay connected, how you keep going. And maximum matters too, because you'll have weeks where you feel great and you want to do a lot. That's fine. Use the energy, but don't turn your maximum into your new expectation.

One high capacity week doesn't mean that's who you are every week. So give yourself context. Some weeks are what I call survival weeks. Things are off. The schedule is weird. Stress is high. Sleep is low. Maybe you're sick, traveling or dealing with family stuff on a deadline and an emotional week. In those weeks, your job is not to force your target standard.

Your job is to stay in the game with your minimum standard, and this is where you lead yourself kindly. You don't talk to yourself in ways like, come on, what's wrong with you? You talk to yourself in ways like, okay, this is a hard week. We're doing the minimum. We're not quitting because that's what builds consistency, not perfection, but staying engaged.

So here's the question for you. What is one area where your standard is secretly all or nothing? And what would your minimum, your target and your maximum be? Now, even when you do this well, there's another trap that can pull you off course. And that's comparison. So next I want to talk about a reality check what you see versus what is.

Now let's talk about the reality check. Because this is a big reason your standards can start to feel heavy. You start comparing your real life to what you think other people are doing. And when you do that, you end up setting standards that don't fit you. You're seeing the outside of someone's life. You're seeing the parts that look smooth, the highlight reel you're not seeing their support, their stress, what they outsource, what they struggle with, or what their brain is like.

So if you catch yourself thinking, why can't I do what they do? I want you to pause and ask a better question. What can I do to make my life better work for me and the people that matter to me most right now? Because the standards aren't moral standards or practical. They aren't proof you're good or bad. They're just choices that match your reality.

So here's a few reality questions you can use when you're setting a standard. Do I actually have time for this on a normal week? Do I have support for this? Reminders. Planning. Accountability. Help. Am I in a season where this is a minimum season? Normal season, or a maximum season? Am I choosing the standard because it fits my values or because I'm feeling behind?

And there's another piece. Even people who you admire have setbacks. You might look at someone close to you, or maybe your partner, or a friend, or someone you respect and assume they're just steady all the time. They're not. They drift too. They get tired. They have off weeks. The difference is they don't make the mean unveiling. They just adjust and keep going.

That's the goal for you. So when you set a standard, don't set it based on someone else's life. Set it based on your values, your schedule, your capacity, and the support that you actually have. Because when your standard fits your reality, it becomes something you can return to, not something you use to beat yourself up. And that leads to the next piece.

Because even with reality based standards, you're still going to have weeks where it doesn't go the way you planned. So next I want to show you what to do when that happens without quitting. It's cycle. Review. Revise. Recommit. We talked about this in the last episode, but it's important to go over it again and again. This tool really helps you restart by meeting you where you're at.

So this is what I want you to do when your week doesn't go the way you planned, because it will happen. Using this tool, you won't fall back into that all or nothing. So here's the cycle review. Revise. Recommit. Simple. Practical. No drama review is what happened, not what you meant to do, not what you should have done, but what happened.

Ask yourself what worked. What didn't. What got in the way? What helped. And I want you to do this like you're collecting data, not building a case against yourself. Because if you review your week with shame, you'll learn nothing. You'll just feel worse. So keep it factual. Next, revise. This is where you decide what needs to change based on what you learned.

And usually it's one of two things. The standard was too high for your season or the support was missing. So revision might sound like this week my target was too big. My minimum is the goal. The standard is staying, but I need support, reminders, a schedule, accountability prep. This would work better at a different time of day. This needs to be smaller or more specific.

Revision. Not about lowering the bar. Revision is making a plan to match reality. Then recommit. Recommit means you'll decide what you're doing next and when. Not, I'll be better. Not. I'll try harder. Be specific. Recommit. Sounds like my minimum is blank. My target is blank. And I'm doing it on blank day at blank time. And here's the rule that keeps you from disappearing.

You start your next available minutes or hour if you need it. No waiting till tomorrow or Monday. If you miss, you don't restart your whole life. You do the next thing you can do. And that's how you build consistency with ADHD. By practicing reentry. So if you want your standards to work long term, you don't need a perfect week.

You need the cycle. Review. Revise. Recommit. And here's one more piece that makes it easier to keep going. Because if your brain only notices what you didn't do, you'll lose momentum. So next we're talking about celebration. How do you build momentum? By tracking your wins. Now let's talk about celebration because it's what keeps you going. If you allow your brain to only notice what you didn't do, you're going to feel behind all the time.

And when you feel behind all the time, motivation drops. So celebrating progress isn't fluff. It's how you build momentum. And here's what you're doing when you celebrate. You're giving your brain proof that your effort matters. You're creating evidence that you're showing up for yourself. And with ADHD, that evidence is everything because your brain will try to tell you it doesn't count unless I did it perfectly.

Or I'm not making progress. So I want you to redefine what counts as a win. A win is not only an outcome. A win is also starting. Doing the minimum. Finishing one piece. Making a better choice after a rough moment. Coming back after you drift. Honestly, one of the biggest wins for you is reentry. Coming back after you missed that is a skill that is worth celebrating.

So here are two simple ways to do this without making it a big production. Daily win 30s at the end of the day. Ask yourself, what did I do today that helps future me? One thing. It can be small. I took my meds, I ate protein, I walked for ten minutes. I sent an email. I made the appointment.

I reset for five minutes. List at least one thing more of you can because your brain needs to hear it. Weekly wins two minutes each week. Write down three wins. Or you can do this in your head. You showed up. You followed through. You completed something. A comeback plan. You returned after you drifted. That's it. And if you're doing this with other people, even better because it keeps you from doing the ADHD thing where you forget everything you did and only remember what didn't happen.

I used to do this when my kids were little. My husband would come home and in the evening I would tell him all the wonderful things that they did or said that day. Years later, I wondered, why don't we do this for ourselves? And what if we did? What kind of difference would that make? In our attitudes are moods or our productivity?

If we don't celebrate progress, we start using shame as motivation. And shame works for about five minutes and then it burns you out. You're not building burnout standards. We're building sustainable standards. So next, let's pull it all together because your standards are meant to guide you, not judge you. Standards are not a scorecard, and they're not proof you're good or bad.

Standards are there to guide you. They help you stay pointed in the direction you actually want your life to go. Even when you're tired, overwhelmed, or off track. So keep this line with you. Standards are Guideposts, not judgments. Are you ready to take action? Here's what I want you to do next. Pick one area health. Home. Work. Relationships.

Just one. Then write your minimum standard for hard weeks, your target standard for normal weeks, and your maximum standard for high capacity weeks. And add one rule. If you miss, you do the next step available, no matter how small. No waiting for Monday. That's how you build consistency with ADHD. Not by never messing up by coming back faster.

And before you end your day, give yourself credit for 1 to 3 things. What did I do today that helps future me? Because it all counts. The small things count. The comeback counts. I've got one small thing for you. Have you joined my weekly newsletter? Each week I offer a valuable ADHD tip and connect you to important resources so you can join me at WW.

Learn to thrive with adhd.com/weekly or you can find that in the show notes. All right keep your standards, drop the shame and lead yourself with kindness. I will see you guys next time. Thank you for your time today and especially your attention. If you're anything like me, you love to learn. Sometimes, though, we can know what to do, but struggle to put it into action without the right support.

That's what private ADHD coaching is for. To give you the unique support and accountability you need to make the change you know is possible. Book a free consultation with me today at Learn to Thrive with adhd.com backslash services. I look forward to meeting you.