Ep 123 - ADHD Negative Thought Loops and How To Question Them

Does your brain have a story it loves to prove?

"I'm behind." "I never finish anything." "I can't stay consistent." "I'm not disciplined."

For ADHD brains, these thoughts don't just show up - they collect evidence. Your brain scans for proof, finds it fast, and builds a case so convincing that the story starts to feel like fact.

In this solo episode, Coach Mande John breaks down ADHD negative thought loops - how they form, why they feel so true, and how to start questioning the stories that are keeping you stuck.

Here's what we explore:

• Why your brain wants to be right - and how that backfires
• The thought-feeling-action loop that keeps proving painful stories
• How Mande believed she was "an anxious person" for years - and what shifted
• The most common stories ADHD brains believe (I'm behind, I never finish, I can't be consistent)
• Why absolute words like "always," "never," and "can't" are making it worse
• The "What else could be true?" question that gently interrupts the loop
• The power of the word "yet" - and how one small word changes the whole sentence
• How to give your brain a better assignment to look for

Free infographic with everything from this episode: www.learntothrivewithadhd.com/thoughtloops

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Transcript

Welcome to Learn to Thrive with ADHD. This is the podcast for adults with ADHD or ADHD like symptoms. I'm your host coach, Maddie John. I'm here to make your life with ADHD easier. Let's get started.

Could you be telling yourself stories that are scaring you, keeping you stuck, or making you feel terrible? For years, I believed I was an anxious person. Not just someone who experienced anxiety.

Sometimes not just someone whose body occasionally felt nervous or activated. I mean, I believed that was who I am. I'm anxious. And once my brain had labeled that, it got really good approving it. My brain scan for anxiety noticed every nervous feeling. It remembered every uncomfortable moment. It interpreted situation through the lens of C. It's because I'm anxious.

And that's what our brains do. Your brain wants to be right. And that's what we're talking about today. ADHD negative thought loops and how to question them. Because if you have an ADHD brain, this can get especially loud. There's usually a lot of evidence lying around. Unfinished projects, forgotten tacks, missed deadlines, big ideas that got started and then dropped that planner that you were definitely going to use.

And of course, you were definitely going to finish. So when your brain says, I'm behind, it can't stay consistent or I never finish anything, it finds proof fast.

But here's what I want you to understand today. Just because your brain can find evidence doesn't mean that the story you're being offered is the whole truth. Sometimes your brain isn't trying to help you feel better. Sometimes it's trying to create certainty.

Sometimes it's trying to make the world feel orderly by proving the story that it already believes. And that's why we have to be on to it. Because if I believe I'm an anxious person, I feel more anxious. If I believe I'm behind, I feel overwhelmed. If I believe I never finish anything, I feel defeated. And when I feel anxious, overwhelmed, defeated, I usually don't take the kind of action that helps me move forward.

I overthink a void. I shut down. I wait to be motivated or feel clearer. And then my brain says, see, I was right. And that's the loop that we're interrupting today. Your brain believes the story, finds evidence, creates the feeling, drives the action, and then uses the results as proof that the story was true all along. So today we're going to talk about how to notice that loop, how to question the painful stories your brain keeps proving, and how to use one of my favorite questions.

What else could be true? Because you don't have to believe every thought you think. And once you learn to question the story, you can feel better. And when you feel better, you do better.

And this isn't just for stories of anxiety. It can be for all feelings that don't feel good. So I remember the moment that this anxiety story shifted for me so clearly. I was in my room during coaching certification. And I can still picture where I'm standing. I had learned something about question beliefs. And I had this moment where I realized, oh, I just decided I was an anxious person.

And I don't mean I consciously chose this on purpose. I didn't sit down one day and say, let me make anxiety my identity. But somewhere along the way, my brain offered me an explanation. And I believed it. And because I believed it, my brain started building the case. And before I had even used the word anxiety, I probably would have called it shy or nervous or unsure.

Maybe I just would have thought I wasn't a confident person. But once I had the word anxiety, my brain latched on to it. It became an explanation. It became a lens. It became a label. And labels are powerful because once you believe them, your brain starts organizing evidence around them. And it starts saying, this is why I felt uncomfortable there.

This is why I didn't speak up. This is why I avoided the thing. And because the brain can find evidence, the story feels true. But in that moment, during coaching certification, something loosened for me.

I didn't become a person who never felt anxiety again. But the volume turned down.

It felt like my anxiety dropped by 50%. Not because I fixed everything. Not because anxiety disappeared, but because I stopped anchoring myself in the identity of I'm an anxious person. That's the power of questioning the thought. Sometimes we think the only way to change is to make massive action,

And actually matters. But sometimes the most powerful step is simply realizing, wait, is this actually true? Or has my brain just been trying to prove it for years?

We're going to start talking about some tools and concepts you're going to want to remember. I made you an infographic that covers everything in the episode. And you can get it at Learn to Thrive with adhd.com/thought loops. Or it will be in the description wherever you're finding me. So your brain wants to be right because certainty feels safer than uncertainty.

Your brain wants the world to make sense. It wants to categorize, predict, explain, and prove. And that's not a problem by itself. That's your brain trying to create order. If something happens once, your brain says, let me remember that if something happens more than once, your brain may say, this is who we are. This is how life works.

This is what always happens. That's your brain trying to protect you. But sometimes the pattern your brain finds isn't actually helpful. Sometimes your brain turns a few painful experiences into an identity. It turns uncertainty into. I'm confused. It turns an unfinished project into I never finish anything. It turns a busy season into I'm always behind. And for the ADHD professionals and for entrepreneurs, this can feel especially loud because there are often so many loops.

We have unfinished projects, ideas we started and didn't finish, emails we meant to sound systems that we tried and stopped working. Notes in all different places, plans, reminders, tabs, courses, voice memos and half started things everywhere. So when your brain has a

painful belief like I'm behind, it doesn't have to work very hard to find evidence. It can say, look, look at that project you didn't finish. Look at that email you forgot. Look at that course you bought.

and then your brain says, see, I'm right. We're behind.

I like to think for the brain. As a lawyer, whatever belief you give it, it will build a case for it.

If the belief is I'm bad at follow through, your brain will find every piece of evidence that supports that. If the belief is. I don't know what I'm doing. Your brain will find evidence. If the belief is people don't really care about me, your brain will find evidence. But your brain usually isn't offering you the whole picture.

It's not saying here's a balanced, fair, compassionate, nuanced view of the situation. It's saying, here's the evidence for the thing that we already believe, and that's why our thoughts can feel so true.

Not because they're always true, but because our brain is really good at finding evidence for them. And once your brain proves that story, how do you feel? Usually not motivated. Usually. Overwhelmed. Ashamed. Anxious. Confused. Defeated. And then what we usually do is go from those feelings. And we overthink. We avoid. We shut down, we scroll. We plan instead of doing, we start a whole new system, abandon the old one, beat ourselves up, and then our brain says, see more proof?

I told you, this is why we have to be on to our brain. Because your brain may be trying to create order, but it might be creating a painful story instead. And that story might not even be true. Or at least it might not be the whole truth.

Another story that I've shared with clients many times before is the belief that I don't retain information. This is one that's such a good example of how the brain can make a story feel true. When I believed I don't retain information. I'd sit down to study or learn something, and immediately I'd feel anxious. My brain would start monitor hearing me.

Are you remembering this to that stick? What did you just read? You already forgot it. See, you don't retain information. And because I was so focused on whether I was retaining the information, I couldn't actually absorb the information. I'd read a paragraph, and then I'd panic.

And I couldn't remember exactly what I just read. And then my brain would say, see, I told you. You don't retain information. But what was actually happening? As I was creating so much stress around retaining information that my brain couldn't do the thing I was asking it to do. That's so important. Sometimes the story creates the result. The thought I don't retain information created anxiety.

Anxiety made it harder to focus. The lack of focus made it harder to retain. And then my brain used the proof that that thought was true. That's the loop.

Then I started practicing a completely different thought. I'll get exactly what I need from this information. And that thought felt so much better. It calmed my body down. It took the pressure off. It let me engage with the material. Instead of monitoring myself the whole time. And then I started noticing something else.

That old story wasn't even true, because there were so many times when I'd pull up information that I'd learned from years ago facts, ideas, concepts, things I had read or heard or studied that would come back when they were relevant. So it was never true that I didn't retain information. It was more true that I retained information better when I was calm, interested, or not pressuring myself to prove that I could retain it.

That's such a different story. I don't retain information. Create stress. I'll get exactly what I need. Creates calm. And when I feel better, I do better.

For people I work with, especially ADHD professionals, entrepreneurs, there are a few stories that I hear all the time. I'm behind. I can't stay consistent. I never finish anything. I'm not disciplined. I'm confused. And listen, I understand why all these feel true. If you have ADHD or ADHD like patterns, you probably do have evidence for some of those thoughts.

You probably had seasons where consistency was hard. You probably started things and not finished them. You've probably been late, forgotten things, missed deadlines, changed plans, lost interest, or felt like you were constantly catching up. So I'm not saying your brain has no evidence. I'm saying your brain may not be showing you all the evidence. It might not be showing you the things that you did vanish.

It might not be showing you the times that you showed up. It might not be showing you the systems that worked for a while.

It might not be showing you systems that did work for a while. It might not be showing you that consistency doesn't have to mean doing something perfectly forever. And it might not be showing you that you're disciplined in some areas, especially when something matters, or when there's urgency or when there's interest.

Oftentimes we do great when someone else is depending on us. This is why I want us to be careful with absolute words like always, never, can't, don't. I always quit, I never finish, I can't be consistent. I don't follow through. These sentences may feel true, but they're usually not the whole truth. And when we say them over and over again, our brain gets to work proving them.

So I want you to start catching those sentences, not shame yourself. Just notice. Oh, there's my brain trying to prove that I'm behind again. Oh, there's my brain trying to prove that I'm not disciplined. Oh, there's my brain trying to prove that I never finish anything. And then ask what else could be true. What else could be true?

Is, again, one of my favorite questions, because it doesn't require you to jump from painful belief to some giant affirmation that you don't believe. You don't have to go from I'm a disaster to I'm the most organized person in the world. Your brain is going to reject that.

But you can ask what else could be true?

If your brain says I'm behind, what else could be true? Maybe I'm not behind. Maybe I'm in the middle. Maybe behind is a fact. It's a feeling. Maybe I need to choose what matters today. Maybe I can take one next step. If your brain says I can't stay consistent, what else could be true? Maybe I'm trying to be consistent in a way that works for my brain.

Maybe I need a smaller version. Maybe I need more support. Maybe consistency can include restarting. If your brain says I never finish anything, what else could be true? Maybe I finish more than I notice. Maybe I finish things when the finish line is clear. Maybe I lose momentum when a project gets vague. Or maybe I don't want to finish everything I start.

That one's important. Not everything you start has to become a lifelong commitment.

Sometimes you start something and you learn. Nope. That isn't it. And it doesn't mean that you're a person who never finishes. It might mean you're a person who experiments. If your brain says I'm not disciplined. What else could be true? Maybe discipline isn't the only tool. Maybe I need structure. Maybe I need interest. Maybe I need accountable. Maybe I need to stop using shame as a strategy.

Maybe I'm disciplined in ways I don't recognize yet. And if your brain says I'm confused, what else could be true? Maybe this is new. Maybe I'm in the messy middle. Maybe clarity comes from action, not before the action.

maybe I don't need to do the whole plan. Maybe I only need to do the next step.

And this is a big one. Sometimes I'm confused. As in about a lack of information. Sometimes I'm confused as a way of avoiding choosing and I say that with so much compassion because I still see this in myself. When a project is big or vague, or I've never done it before, my brain will offer. I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

And sometimes that's true. Sometimes I do need more information,

Something I can say is maybe I'm not confused. Maybe I'm creating clarity. This feels so much better. This is where I love the word yet. Yet is a great tool. Yet is such a small word. But it changes the whole sentence. I don't know how to do this becomes I don't know how to do this yet.

I haven't figured this out. Becomes I haven't figured this out yet. I'm not consistent becomes I haven't built the right consistency system yet. I don't trust myself. Becomes I haven't learned to trust myself yet. And that word matters because it gives your brain a different assignment without. Yeah, your brain hears the sentence like a conclusion. I don't know how to do this period with yet.

Your brain. Here's possibility. I don't know how to do this yet. That means there's still a future possibility that matters because your brain wants to problem solve. So give it a useful problem. Instead of giving your brain prove that I'm hiding, give it. Find the next useful step. Instead of prove I'm not disciplined. Give it. Find the system that works for my brain.

Instead of prove that I'm confused, give it. Create clarity. One decision at a time.

Your brain is powerful, but you have to give it a better job.

This makes me think. When I used to substitute teach, I was a long term sub for a long time. And the smartest kids in class were the ones that I had to keep working.

As soon as they finished the assignment before everyone else, I had to give them a worksheet or give them a job to do in the classroom. And that's kind of the same with our brains. There are such powerful engines and we need to keep them working, keep them problem solving, but in the right direction.

Before we can change a story, we have to notice the story.

This is where awareness comes in. And I know awareness can sound basic, but it's not. Awareness is everything.

Because most of us aren't walking around saying, I choose to believe this painful story right now, we're just in it. We're anxious, were overwhelmed, were avoiding. We're overthinking. We're just mad or we're shutting down. So the first move is to pause and ask, what am I thinking right now? Not what should I be thinking?

Then ask, what's my brain trying to prove? Is it trying to prove I'm behind? Is it trying to prove I'm not capable? Is it trying to prove that I'll fail? Or in my example, is it trying to prove that I'm anxious? And then we ask, is that story serving me? Because some stories may have a little truth to them, but they're still not useful.

And that's important.

a thought doesn't have to be completely false to be unhelpful. I have a lot to do. May be true, but I'm so behind and I'll never catch up. Probably isn't helping

This project is new and I don't know all the steps yet. May be true, but I'm confused and I don't know what I'm doing. May not be helping. I feel anxious right now. May be true, but I'm an anxious person. May not be helping. This isn't about lying to ourselves. It's about choosing the thoughts that are more accurate, more compassionate, and more useful.

And here's why this matters so much. The stories we believe create the way we feel, and the way we feel changes the way we show up.

When we believe something like I'm behind, usually we feel overwhelmed. And then from overwhelmed we avoid or overthink. And when we avoid and overthink, we don't make much progress. And then the brain says, see, you're behind. That's the loop. But when we believe I can choose the next useful step, we feel more grounded. And from grounded we take the next step.

And when we take the next step, we create progress. And then the brain has new evidence.

This is why mindset work is so important. We're doing it because it changes our actions. And when we feel better, we do better. I want to be clear. Feeling better doesn't mean feeling happy all the time. It might mean feeling calmer, clearer, more capable, or more grounded.

Those emotions create very different actions. Then shame, panic and overwhelm. So when you question a thought, you're not trying to make yourself feel better in the moment. You're creating access to different action. You're interrupting the loop. You're giving yourself a chance to respond instead of react.

So I try to make all these episodes very actionable. Here's the practice I want you to take from this episode. When you notice yourself feeling anxious, overwhelmed, avoidant, or stuck, pause and ask, what story is my brain trying to prove right now? Then write it down. Maybe it's I'm behind. I don't know what to do. I can't stay consistent.

I always mess this up. I'll never finish. I'm not disciplined. Then ask what evidence is my brain collecting for this? This helps you see the case. Your brain's building. And then ask, what evidence is my brain leading out? This is a powerful one because your brain is probably not showing you the whole picture. What's the other side of this?

And then ask what else could be true?

And finally, what do I want to give my brain to look for instead?

That's where we give our brain a better assignment. Not some fake positivity assignment, but a useful assignment. I can find the next step. I'm learning how to work with my brain.

I don't have to believe every thought. I think I'm choosing what matters now. I haven't figured this out yet. Your brain will look for evidence either way, so give it something better to look for. Let's make this really practical. Let's say you're an entrepreneur and you have a project that you keep avoiding and your brain says, I'm confused.

He noticed that thought, and then you go, okay, what is my brain trying to prove? It's trying to prove I don't know what to do, and then ask what else could be true. Maybe the answer is this project's just vague. Okay, that's useful. If this problem is I'm confused, you might shut down. But if the problem is the project is vague, you can try to define it.

That's a completely different step. You can ask what's the outcome.

What does Dawn look like. What's the first decision? What's the next tiny action. Do you see how much more useful that is? Or let's say your brain says, I can't stay consistent.

What's the whole truth? I haven't made the behavior small enough yet. Now you have something to work with or I've been relying on motivation instead of structure. Now you have something to work with.

The new thought doesn't just feel better, it points you towards a better action. And that's what we want.

One of the biggest things I want you to hear today is you're not necessarily your first thought. Your first thought may be old programing fear. Your brain trying to protect you or just habit.

You might have practiced that story about yourself for decades, like I did about anxiety. You don't have to obey it. You can notice it and say, interesting. My brain's offering me that. Again. There's so much power and that little bit of separation instead of I'm behind, try my brain's telling me I'm behind. Instead of I'm anxious, try. My brain's offering me an anxious story.

Instead of I don't know what to do, try it. My brain is saying, I don't know what to do. That little shift to remind you that you're an observer of the thought. You're not trapped inside it. And from that place you can question it. You can be curious. You can decide what you want to believe on purpose. So here's my reminder for you today.

Your brain wants to be right. It wants order, it wants certainty, it wants proof, and it wants the world to make sense. And that's not a problem. But you need to be on to it

Because your brain may be proving a story that's making you feel worse. And when you feel worse, you usually do worse.

Not because you're the problem, but because shame, panic, overwhelm, and confusion usually don't create the best option. So this week I want you to catch your story. Just one catch, one story your brain keeps proving. Maybe it's I'm behind. I'm confused. I'm anxious. I can't stay consistent, I never finish, I'm not disciplined. And I want you to ask what else could be true and then give the brain a better assignment.

Not because you're trying to trick yourself, but because you're allowed to choose the thought that helps you move forward. You're allowed to stop believing everything you think you're allowed to question the stories that aren't serving you. You're allowed to say, I haven't figured this out yet. You're allowed to say, I haven't created clarity. You're allowed to say I can take the next useful step.

And that's where things begin to change. Not all at once. Not perfectly, but one question. The thought at a time. Because when you feel better, you do better. I've said that so many times, and I want you to hear that. And when you give your brain a better story to prove, it can start finding evidence for that to thank you all.

I'll see you next week.